Eeh dog? yuh nuh wear heels!?

Mi Seh!
I went out today, struttin ma stuff yes: working some fancy heels up an' down di 24 boxes.  It was cute for the first half of the day-TILL mi foot staat fi gi' way.  Toe dem staat 'queeze up yuh see!  Mi push thru tho cause(tilts head to the side, smacks lips real ghetto style)- I's tryna look cute!

On the way home one piece a rain buss weh an' flood out di whole place, mi haffi run go ketch one tiefin', lyad bus-yes bus lie-caw it seh "express" an if one ghetto ooman neva staat class up di driva all now wi wudda a stop stop everyweh- bou' how him haffi loyal to fi him people dem who 'im pick up a mawnin' time!  Who an' 'im?  Nuh baddy nuh bizniss wid him an him mawnin' rendezvous-a mi yaad mi a try ketch.
Hennyhoo, mi 'tan up inna di bus fi di whole ride inna mi boas'y boot wid mi boas'y corn dem a spring up pon mi boas'y toe dem.  Mi tink seh mi lose mi foot dem at dis point. Talk about feeling defeated de-feeted.  De-board di bus an' is a nex' crasses.
Mi haffi a fight off di crowd fi get inna one taxi cuz rain a tear an' everybaddy wah fi g'a dem yaad. Mi a limp an a run same way a try block off di people dem wid mi elbow extended way out inna di air as a weapon of destruction fi lick dung any man, bwoy, gyal(said in the Prime Minister's tone of voice), ol' ooman(NO MISS, yuh wrong fo' dat), anybaddy( but yuh know in all a dis, mi  heels spare mi from direct contact wid di murky water wid all kinda pee-pee, spit, do-do, nose-naat an' other bodily nastiness from animal,  man .....awrite mi done, mi done, mi done).

Den mi buck a dawg a walk gingerly, a swing hip an a crass road daintily-not a sorrow, not a pain, no agony, toe dem corn-free, posture upright an' him a move well agile an' ting. Nuttin' fi slow im dung.  Mi look pon him an' den pon miself, den right back pon him an seh to him, "eeh dawg? yuh nuh wear heels!!" Di lilly dawg neva so much as  fi look pon mi-nuh teeven sideways.  Him dis scampa gone while mi a loggo-loggo dung di road.  At dis point mi jus' waah halla fi HELP!  Chile! I mek a pledge!!!! Mi cyaah subjec' miself to such cruelty.  Men don't do it, dogs don't do it(mi notice seh man an' dog have a few t'ings in common).  Why should I?

Same so mi did look, a crawl a go a mi yaad. De-feet!  Mi did haffi sen' out one SOS fi smaddy come pick mi up.  Mi foot dem dis a tremble an' mi a walk wid a deep knee bend.  Mi nuh like fi see it, so mi cuddn stan' di fac' seh it was happening to me.

God NEVA tell nobody fi mek dah boot deh-straight up.  Whoever inspired it, write mi name pon it fi mi demise.  Mi haffi go dash it weh.  

Wait! Den, a wha a gwaan yasso?  Dawg? If yuh know wah mi know.......

Ketch unnu lata!